You can draw boundaries.
You can take steps to stay sane.
But what if you just want to let rip?
How to handle the Christmas fertility trolls (with no filter)
The Elder Relative Troll
Them: "Isn’t it about time we heard the patter of tiny feet?"
You: “Well actually, I realised I’ve been doing it wrong all these years. Apparently, dry humping won’t cut the mustard!”
The Concern Troll
Them: "Are you sure you should have another G&T? I thought you were getting your health in order, for, you know..."
You: "It's the only thing that's going to stop me from murdering all of you today. If that happens, my health will be the least of my worries."
The ‘It’s Actually All About Me’ Troll
Them: "Sigh. I guess I should just clear out your old baby toys from the attic.”
You: “Ooh you’re right, the attic would be perfect for a man cave! I’ll research beer fridges.”
The Chipper Troll
An old acquaintance: "Did you know that so-and-so is pregnant again?"
You: "Cool! Did you know that swamp wallabies have two uteruses, so they can get pregnant with a second baby before even popping out the first one?”
The Overfamiliar Troll
Them: “Oi oi, when are you two going to get a move on?”
You: "I’m not having kids any time soon. So, how often are you and your wife [insert air quotes] ‘getting a move on’?"
The Helpful-Suggestion-Disguised-As-Casual-Chat Troll
Them: “I hear egg freezing is all the rage now…”
You: “No space here. My freezer is full of body parts. From the people who keep asking me about freezing my eggs.”
Happy holidays from all of us here at Béa! We know the trolling (sometimes) comes from a good place, but still, it can’t end soon enough!